i try to remember her face. i close my eyes, and try to remember her perfume. her scent that i could smell before she came into the room. i try to remember her laugh. her hearty, loud, boastful laugh. she only smiled when i made her laugh. my brain strains and hurts to recall anything that will open my horrible blocks of memory. anything… a word that her thick accent would butcher… her soft small hands that i had kissed for hours as i pleaded with her to take me back. i despise my cursed brain. the back of my eyes throb, my neck is killing my concentration. i can remember all of the things about her. yet her gentle, soft, loving face is nothing but a moment.

it has always been that way. i have memories of my childhood. i can tell you that i used to look up little girl’s dresses through the planks of the floor in the fort at private school. i know the phone number of the first girl i ever loved. my brain still holds onto the memory of the first group of friends that ever told me i was worth anything. i remember being laughed at and teased and beat up because i never belonged. i remember when my drama teacher in 6th grade told me how i had started a tradition for the school that lasts to this day. lost love, found treasures of hope… all in my patched, faulty brain.

the one thing that i need to remember, i cant. i promised myself that if i forgot everything else, i would never lose her face. i lost her love, her trust, and her soul. when she left this world it was real and terrible. but that face. that was all i had. i have to remember her, i need to recall her olive skinned beauty. but it never comes. my mind betrays me again. the frustration is too much, and i cry. she is lost to this world. i never had the chance to reconcile. i never told her how i missed her. i never got to see her again before she was gone. we were together for years. she was almost my wife. i dont have a single photo of her. not even a moment of her in my mind that i can recover.

j. jay-