• blog

    600 Days Ago…

    Exactly 600 days ago was the last time I tried to kill myself. Depression is a real thing. Anxiety, stress, self-harm, self-medication, self-doubt… are all very real things. I grew up thinking that you don’t cry, you don’t express your feelings, and you certainly don’t ask for help. So, when I got scared, overwhelmed, anxious, sad, angry… I found a way to cope. Over the years, overeating was quickly replaced with alcohol. Attempting to poison myself to death was a difficult task to complete. After my third trip to the hospital in a two-month period, after many failed attempts before those, it was time to finally start unraveling my wiring.…

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    30.

    Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. 30. Birthdays are surprisingly punctual. Same time every year. This year was just fine. All the birthday staples were available- cake, gifts… etc. I am getting closer and closer to the age that doesn’t look at a birthday and say,”Another year older! Joy!” No, I am starting to think,”Another year older? Oh damn.” But, every year I get a little wiser. Every year it gets harder for me to stay up late. Every year I look at younger people more and worry about the state of this country. Every year I wish a little more that the music would be turned…

  • blog,  poetry

    My First Attempt At The Biography Section.

    So I have started reading Charles Bukowski. I have also started reading Pablo Neruda. I knew that they were influential writers of the 20th century, but did not know who they really were until I started reading. As dissimilar as they first appear to be, their emotions parallel. So, if I got any of this wrong, would someone tell me? I’m new to the whole “biography of poets I hardly know” thing. Bukowski (Heinrich Karl Bukowski/Henry Charles Bukowski) was born in Germany to a reportedly abusive father. He went to college out of high school for two years. At 24 he was published, and then again two years later. He…

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    Mr. T Loves His Mama.

    I try not to give the traditional holiday wishes… I tend to go for more eclectic tidings. Mother’s Day is one of those holidays that should not be forgotten. Mothers do so much every day, they give of themselves selflessly. Think of your mother today. Do something for her. Even if she is no longer with us, remember her and cherish her love. There is nothing like a mother’s love. It can be unbreakable, total, and pure. Mothers would take all the pain they could to keep their children from a second of that pain. Unconditional. With that said, and what was said earlier, I give you Mr. T singing…

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    I want to be a Systems Analyst when I grow up…

    I’m told that life is full of sacrifice. The small bit of optimism in me wonders why it must be that way. Why do we give up our dreams… why do we put the wishes of our youth away? We grow up and we do what needs to be done. We lose those dreams for staunch resolution. Compromise and negotiation. Why are we conditioned to do what’s “needed” instead of what we want? When we are children we have all of this wonderment. Naivety. Innocence. We want to be firefighters, astronauts, doctors, and cowboys. It’s so very easy to say. As kids, we just want it to happen. We don’t…

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    Snow. In April. In Texas.

    I woke up this morning to snow. Well… fluffy ice. You’d think that we as Texans would be used to the most unusual weather. 80 degree days in December. Thunderstorms in August. Snow in April. But of course we still point and take video of it as if it’s Bigfoot. It didn’t stick, and it stopped and started all day. If it had been December, we’d have a glossy sheet of white all over the lawn. Being April, it just melted as soon as it hit the patio. Snow is great. Snow is great in Texas. It’s like the aunt that comes to visit, gives you $50, and leaves. Nice…

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    Look at how young you look…

    My mom has been cataloging all of the family photos recently. I looked through the photos that she had piled into white plastic boxes. I came to the pile of photos in the box marked “Jeremy.” Flipping through each one- none of them were the same size. A school photo here, a Polaroid of a Superman cake there. I dismissed the rest of my family’s memories to reflect on mine. My brain is such an odd duck. It remembers such random things… I didn’t remember what I did a week ago, but I remembered my first “Fisher Price Magic Show.” I was so young once… unsure and naive. Birthdays, baby…

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    Bluetooth. New Page.

    I was one of those that would profess to never purchase a Bluetooth for my phone. “I don’t want to be THAT guy that walks around with a tiny thing attached his ear- talking to himself in thin air and ignoring everyone around me.” Yet, here I am at the computer with a dark blue, shiny, blue LED flashing piece of splendid gadgetry glued to my ear. It’s convenient and small. It works with my media player. I can voice dial by pressing one button. I am sure that later, when I am used to it, I will walk out the door without my phone. My brain will register that…

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    This might turn into a habit.

    My daily Wikipedia browsing took me to the ‘Comics’ portal. I read ‘Blankets’ a long while back, and noticed it listed among the graphic novels. I read that Craig Thompson had written it to put on paper the feeling of laying next to someone for the first time. I would agree with others in saying that he succeeded. I thought of the first time I was in love… laying with someone. Hearing her heartbeat, feeling her chest rise and fall under my arm… contentment. I’d never even had sex with her. I put my head in her lap. She sang to me, ran her fingers through my hair, and just…

  • blog,  poetry

    dot net.

    grungyparadigm.net was easy to buy from godaddy.com. doing the whole dns setup and all that mess was easy too. although, i’d like to have a real honest site that i coded myself. but, i’m an unmotivated cheap sob who doesn’t want to pay to have a site hosted. so until i decide to crunch some code and do all that, here it is. the unofficial grungyparadigm.net. not that anyone ever looks here. bah. i have it on good authority that .net is cooler than .com… it’s dotnettastic. grungy-In a dirty, rundown, or inferior condition: grungy old jeans.paradigm-1. One that serves as a pattern or model.2. A set or list of…

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    san antonio. day three.

    today we went to the enchanted springs ranch. lots of cowboys and damsels and stuff. usually. but there was no one around. we walked halfway into the place before we saw anyone. it was fun though. lots of animals. zebras and cattle and some exotic animals i couldnt see. from there we went to gristmill… a restaurant in an old cotton gin. very good. then we went shopping at an outlet mall. books on the cheap. nothing better. enchanted springs ranch. texas rangers. not the baseball guys. the entrance to the town. pretty sure it’s all fake. donkey! the local post office… leave a forwarding address. the undertaker… boxes on…

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    san antonio. day two.

    today was a bit more hectic. we were going to fiesta texas, but it’s only open on the weekends now. so, we went to the alamo. i took pictures of the front and on the grounds, but somehow they weren’t on my card. so… i have all the other pics i took. i bought cheap touristy crap… but you are supposed to… it’s vacation. we went to the riverwalk and had a margarita… but there aren’t pics of that. we also went to the wax museum across the street from the alamo. $85 for four people to go to the wax museum AND the ripley’s believe it or not exhibit.…

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    san antonio. day one.

    day one went pretty well… the first stop on our trip… brand new gas station. my dad’s behind the door… those are my mom’s legs. my brother from afar. the entrance to oma’s haus in new braunfels. german food! rack of beers oma’s haus serves. german, of course. mom, dad, and daniel. i’m the one taking the photo, natch. tha schnitzel. and potato salad… of the german style. yum. steins for german beer. it’s a crime to put anything else in them.a plaster stein welcoming me after i left. finally! our hotel suite! big bed! the living room of previously mentioned suite. we had wendy’s in the room. watched tv.…

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    goodbye old man…

    my mom comes by the house this morning, and notices that my cat has a tooth jutting out of his mouth. we had noticed that his mouth had started to elvis on one side. but we just figured it was him and his old age. his breath was worse these days. that was a bad sign. we knew that he could not eat without his canine tooth (i called it a feline tooth in a moment of deflection)and that his quality of life would continue to decline. so we called the vet, and asked to come in to see her. so we crammed and pushed him into the small dark…